She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
