Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
