so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
