No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
