I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
