the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
