You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
