the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
And then he peed in my hair
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