His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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