They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
