..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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