Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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