SEEEEXXX PLEASE
We named our party play list daddy issues
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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