You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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