You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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