I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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