She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
