Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
bring money and cleavage
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
