I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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