The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
