So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
