frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
