Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
