just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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