She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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