Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
