You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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