it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
All I want is dick and wine.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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