all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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