toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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