Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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