At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
