do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
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someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
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Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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