You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
