my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
