Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
