did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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