im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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