I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
