2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
