i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
