I met the friendliest cop last night
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
