his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
