I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
