I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
