I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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