Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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