Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
