Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
