I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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