The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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