my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
