Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
