I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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