dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
what day is it and did you see me today?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
