mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
